I’ve been so sad this past few weeks. My mind and body was totally shutdown though I’m still breathing. I want to runaway. I want to escape life for a moment. I want to scream. I want to yell. But, all I can do was cry and cry and then I just want to lay down on my bed doing nothing. I am sad. I feel alone. I am empty. And I hate that fvcking feeling. The only thing I hate about being depressed was that I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me and how can I make myself feel better.
Depression is not a funny thing. It’s not about saying “Everything will be alright” because depression is a fvcking damn hard thing to fight. It is a thing you want to burn and bury but depression let you burn and bury your own self instead. Depression is a mixture of stress, being unwanted, feeling unloved and worthless and most of all it is an unexplainable thing. So, what depression really feels like?
Do you ever been into a dark room, where everything is so dark that you thought you are blind because you can’t see nothing. And then, you found yourself running and running away from that room finding a light inside of it but you found nothing. And then you feel scared and all you can do is cry and cry and cry. After all those tears running into your eyes, you decided to run again to find a light but then again, you failed. You already feel restless. Then, suddenly you ask yourself “If I can’t escape in this total bullshit, why can’t I love this feeling?” and then you started to embrace the darkness in you without knowing that you let yourself burn by depression. You feel numb, sad, empty and most of all you are breathing but you are already dead inside. You are smiling outside but deep down you are totally sad, messed up and you think of yourself as a total bullshit in this society and THAT IS WHAT DEPRESSION FEELS LIKE. It’s like being in your human body living in a beautiful planet but your soul is in deep down dark room trying to find its way back to Earth.
I know the feeling of being depressed, you can talk to me and I’ll listen to you. Stay alive and try to survive the thing what we call “LIFE”.
P.S: I’ll be writing down “How to Cope Up with Depression” on my next post!